How Do You Grieve a Homicide?
Six people whose children or siblings were victims of homicides in St. Louis shared the advice they would give to someone grieving the sudden death of a loved one. Here’s what they said helped the most – and the mistakes they wouldn’t make again.
- What to Expect From a Homicide Investigation
TV crime shows often don’t show how real homicide cases work. Many families told us they didn’t know what police would do after their loved one was killed. They had many questions and fears. Some families shared simple things the police did that helped them. We also talked to police and lawyers to help explain what usually happens during a homicide investigation.
- The First Call to 911
When someone calls 911 to report violence (like a shooting, a stabbing or a fight), the 911 worker asks important questions. They may ask what the person who did it looked like, where it happened
and what the caller saw, heard or smelled. This is the first step in the police investigation.
- Gathering Information
Police use the 911 call and try to learn more. They may look at videos from security cameras or use tools that read license plates. This helps them find clues about what happened.
- Finding Out Who the Victim Is If the victim has a wallet or ID, police can figure out who they are quickly. If not, they may take fingerprints, ask around the neighborhood or share the news with the public to try to find out the person’s name.
- Telling the Family
Police often talk to the family for the first time when they are telling them about the death or asking them to identify the body. This is a very hard moment for families, but it is an important part of the case.
- The Investigation Begins
Police often work fastest at the start. They are trying to learn as much as they can about the victim – who their friends were, who liked or didn’t like them, who they dated. Detectives can have many cases at once, and have to choose how to balance them. They often follow newer tips first. Even if the case is not solved right away, it can stay open for a long time. If police get a new lead – even years later — they will look into it again. - Finding a Suspect
When police think they know who did it, they try to collect evidence. They may need a warrant.
They usually talk to a judge to make sure there will be evidence to support a criminal case after the arrest.
Police usually do not share details about the suspect with the family until someone is arrested.
- Making an Arrest
When police have enough proof, they arrest the suspect. The suspect can be kept in jail for up to 48 hours before being officially charged. After that, the case goes to the court and the lawyers take over.
- Going to Court
In St. Louis, it can take up to a year for a suspect to go to trial – if there is a trial at all. During that time, lawyers collect evidence, talk to people and get ready for court. Most cases end with a plea deal. This means the accused person admits to the crime and gets a sentence without a jury trial.
Some other important things:
In Missouri, the suspect will first say “not guilty,” even if there is strong evidence. They may change their mind later and plead “guilty.” Prosecutors work for the state of Missouri — not for the victim. They should listen to the family and help prepare them for court, but they may not share everything about the case.
At the end of the case, during sentencing, family and friends can give a statement to the judge. This is called an “impact statement.” It is often their first chance to tell the judge how this loss has
affected their lives.
How Families Can Help an Investigation
We talked to people whose job it is to work on homicide cases every day, like police, lawyers and social workers. We asked how families and the community can help with a case. Here is what they said.
- How You Can Help
Lisa Jones is a licensed social worker. She helps victims’ families in the St. Louis County prosecutor’s office. She said parents should talk to young people about going to the police if they saw something or know anything about the crime. Information like the victim’s social media names, email or recent
phone numbers can really help detectives She also said that even if the person who died was involved incrime, that doesn’t mean they deserved to be killed. Families should be honest with police, even if it’s hard. “Our families, they don’t always trust law enforcement, and I get it,” Jones said. “People are fearful of retaliation, but we are never going to resolve some of these cases without the community’s
involvement”
- What You Should (and Shouldn’t) Post Online
Taylor said don’t try to solve the case yourself on social media. TV shows sometimes show people doing their own detective work, but in real life, that can make things worse. It can even be dangerous. “You’ll put lives at risk, and it can lead to more crimes happening” she said, “and that’s what we don’t want.”
- Don’t Try to Get Revenge
When you’re hurting, you may want to get back at the person you think did it. But that only brings more pain. If you get caught, you could go to jail – and your family will lose you, too. “Violence is what caused this person’s death. Violence is not gonna bring this person back,” said Jones. “It’ll only add more violence, and our community is at an epidemic proportion of violence!”
- Free Grief and Trauma Support in St. Louis
This is a list of support groups and counseling services for adults and children in the St. Louis area. These services are free for families. The list is not complete, but it includes groups that were recommended by families who lost a child or sibling to violence. They shared these names because they used the services
themselves, or know someone who did. The Marshall Project – St. Louis checked with each group to make
sure the information is up to date as of August 2025.
